Thursday, 22 May 2008

A lonely existence

Even though I am surrounded by family and friends, there are times when I feel I'm leading a lonely existence. It becomes more apparent when I am at crossroads in my life.

Being self-employed, I miss having someone to bounce off ideas with. Whether it is making a decision like office relocation or negotiating a complicated deal, the future of the company lies squarely on my shoulders.

For somebody who was never given a chance to make any decisions while I was married, suddenly I am solely responsible for the lives of two kids. Did I choose the right school? Should we go on a holiday? Have I taught them well? Do I have enough to see them through tertiary education? I am faced with decisions, big or small, everyday.

As you can imagine, it has been a rather stressful week. While buying a big ticket item like a home is a joyful experience, the process of waiting for the bank's approval with bated breath can be quite suffocating. One bank rejected my application for a stupid reason which I shall not discuss here while the other encouraged me to take a smaller loan to enjoy a better interest rate.

So I began the process of scraping whatever I have together just so that I can make our little dream home a reality. At the back of my mind, I have my concerns, especially after reading reports of an imminent economic downturn and falling home prices.

Again, I have nobody to bounce off ideas with. It didn't help that the first thing I heard from my good friend when I told her about the purchase was, "Your business ok or not?" before she went on to talk about her upcoming California vacation. Or very reassuring to hear my colleague warn "Is this the right time or not? Don't forget you're a business owner, if business turns bad, your property can be at risk."

I'm trying to convince myself that at the price I've secured, it is still a very good buy. And that we've been through the ups and downs of this cyclical business before, we will ride out the recession.

Let's face it. Nobody's going to pat me on my shoulder and say "You've made the right decision" or help me get back on my feet if I have made the wrong one. It's not their life afterall.

I am so determined to forge ahead.


JYankee said...

it is hard... i can imagine..but in the have to trust that your own instincts are right...and in seems those instincts have lead you down a very good path so far... confidence confidence confidence!!!

JYankee said...
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Blur Ting said...

Thanks JY. I have made some bad mistakes before, so sometimes I really can't trust my instincts. But you're right. I need more to have more confidence in myself.

The Real Mother Hen said...
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The Real Mother Hen said...

Well, only the best wishes for you from this Mother Hen :)

The Real Mother Hen said...

If it helps, take a step back, calm your senses down, and the solution may be there for you.

Blur Ting said...

Thanks MH. I have had a very emotional morning but now I have taken a step back and still going ahead with the purchase :-)

La delirante said...

I totally understand you. I have just been through the same. It is difficult to be always very confident about one's decisions. With the house deal I wasn't too sure but then hubby was very enthusiastic and all. We decided to give it a try because we believe that sooner or later we will need our own home recession or not :) Good luck with your decisions and projects :) I send you my best energy :)

Nick Phillips said...

Hey BT, let me tell you something I've learned about you from the short time I've been reading your blog. You've been doing a great job of the responsibilities you have. Don't ever second guess yourself.

We all have to make decisions and some of them are bad, some are good. Doesn't matter if you fall or stumble. The crux of the matter is you are one determined woman and you'll always pick yourself up, so forge ahead my friend, forge ahead.

And if it means anything, I think you've made the right decision :D

Blur Ting said...

Hi Wen, thanks very much. I do receive your positive energy. I am mostly enthusiastic about my plans but for some reason, the people around me don't share my excitement and even make me start having doubts. They mean well but it can be so dampening. I share the same thoughts as you do, with or without recession, we need a home. I don't even care if the house price drops later, to be honest.

Once again, thanks.

Blur Ting said...

Hey Nick, thanks for the encouragement and affirmation. I don't mind facing challenges and overcoming adversities as it is part and parcel of life.

Sometimes I feel so troubled and can't find anyone to give me good advice, it gets bottled up inside and I start wondering if I am taking on more than what I can chew.

Yet, I sometimes forge ahead despite 'sound' advice from friends. When things start to go wrong, I start hearing the "I told you so" line.

I suppose we just have to live with whatever decisions we have made. Just live and let live.

Jacqueline said...

You may not have someone to pat you on the back, but you have those who believe in you. I believe that you are working hard to do what is best for you and your children. Many times it calls for a leap of faith. I fight the same insecurities with any choices I make, and I know it can be difficult to trust in decision making without someone there to consult.
You are very strong and determined, and I believe in you having the ability to make the best decisions given any circumstance.

Amel's Realm said...

It's always hard to make a big, important decision, but I'm crossing my fingers for you!!! I agree with JYankee that I think you've done a WONDERFUL job (esp. after being a wife who was never given a chance to make any decisions). KUDOS for you!!!

I think as long as you're ready to pay the price (not literally), whatever you decide is the right one for you.

WaterLearner said...

Hi Ting,

I read your post. Thought about it for a while. Opened a comment window to put in my thoughts. Wrote nothing. Closed the window. Drank some coffee. Walked around a bit. ..

Read your post again. Opened another comment window. This time write what fellow bloggers comments were. Wrote nothing. Closed the window again. Drank somemore coffee. Thought of emailing to you or sms you. But it's kind of early for a weekend :-).

This is the n-th window that I have opened. I wonder if I would close it again. But well .. here goes my thoughts.

I am nothing going to say something nice and pleaseful to your eyes that may your business flourish, house loan go through easily without question and let there be no mistakes.

Yes, such will sound socially very polite and very good. But that ain't the real portrayal of what life is all about. We all make decisions everyday. The choice is ours and ours alone even when we are surrounded by love ones. Of course it would be fortunate to have a soulmate to pour out our deepest thoughts and share our ugliest fears deep within. But well, such things are hard to find.

You might have made some mistakes. Some you wish you never made. But from the perspective of an outsider, I really see you as a very fine model of a modern independent woman. Yes, all of us have our inner struggles. Trust me. ALL OF US DO. Just that not many have the courage to pen it down in a post as transparently as you do. The first step to a stronger inner self is to recognise our inner demons. It's natural for one to start losing trust and faith in oneself when encounter with one setback after another. But such is the beauty of life. We might hate it. But setbacks bring out the best in a person. And uncertainties in life lead us to explore hidden potential in ourselves that we never knew :-)

I am sorry for being long-winded here. The length of this post is proportionate to the amount of concern I have for you after reading this post.

You are one strong woman. With a lot of responsiblities and decisions on your two solid shoulders. I can imagine how tough that is. But if some divine powers in life has so configurated your life in this manner. Trust that all are good worthy lessons for you to go through. I am sure you will do fine. I mean it. Even is and when thing don't really work out as ideally as you hope. You will manage.

Blur Ting said...

Hi Jac, thanks for your encouraging words. We make decisions everyday without realising it but on somedays, we get overwhelmed and suddenly decision making becomes such a big deal. I don't often have days like this but when I do, my insecurities surface and yah, I get all anxious.

Blur Ting said...

Amel - My ex was very domineering and I couldn't decide on anything. I couldn't even invite friends home or visit my parents anytime I wanted. So you can imagine how free I felt after the divorce :-)

Blur Ting said...

Hi Water, that was a really heartfelt advice. I really appreciate your care and concern.

I have already signed the option and bank documents last night. Since my mind's made up, I won't regret my decision and will work hard towards building a comfy home. It has been my dream as you all know.

You are right. Having a soulmate to listen to and share our fears is a bonus, but it is not always easy to find. To be honest, I have been managing ok all these years without this. I guess yesterday the pent-up emotions just decided to erupt before I took the plunge of signing the documents.

There were a couple of other issues at work on my mind, so when they all came together, it proved to be quite overwhelming.

But it's all ok now. I don't dwell on things for too long.

Being transparent on my blog has its good and evil. My kids read my blog and can sense my insecurities and it may affect them. Yet,they must know that life is not as easy as it seems.

I am encouraged by the comments I have received and from there, I realise that I need to have more faith and self confidence.

Thanks for being such a wonderful friend. :-) and yes, I will manage.

Blur Ting said...

Water - One more thing, when I was out last night, YK called me (knowing that I have not received much support from others) and said "SK and I support you on the house purchase ok."

Then he said, "We can still have our marine tank right?"

:-) :-)

Amel's Realm said...

Yeah, it was a GREAT decision for you to have a divorce. :-))))

The World According To Me said...

I'm sorry to hear it's been a stressful time.
But I really do admire your spirit and determination.
Sometimes you have to take a few chances in life. It sounds like you have thought everything through and have made some good decisions. You should be proud of yourself.