Monday, 12 May 2008

Dilemma

I started looking for a house early last year but gave up soon after. The process of sifting through thousands of advertisements in the papers each day can be a daunting task if you ask me.

As the need for a house becomes more urgent, I find myself staring at the classified ads again. By chance, I found a familiar face amongst the ads. Ah, how can I forget that my old friend Jean is a property agent! We were soon chatting over the phone. Jean is a very driven and successful agent who will never sit around and watch me rot.

She prompty arranged for several viewings and I think my mind's made up on a small apartment with a big patio.

These things happen so quickly, I didn't tell my parents about my plans. One night, during dinner, YK spoke about the apartment. Mom asked, "Are you moving out?"

In a way, I have no heart to tell her that we could be moving out soon though it had always been in the works. She appeared quite sad to hear of our plans.

At this age, the kids have more activities after school. YK enjoys studying in a group but all his friends live near the school. It has become increasingly impractical for me to drive him across the island all the time. Besides, on days when he is bored at home, he feels trapped and alienated. On the other hand, it's also time for me to loosen my apron's string.

The kids are excited at the prospect of moving to a new house. They're already planning the colour schemes and furnishings."Wait a minute!" I tell them, "I haven't even bought the house yet! Besides, your mommy can only afford a tiny one. There is no space for all those things!"

Still, they couldn't stop talking about it. "Should we bring Rusty? What about Cookie? Rusty would be lonely without Cookie. Who's going to take care of them if we're not at home? If we leave them behind at grandma's, will Rusty run away and get dognapped?"

YK, sensing that my mom was feeling sad, reassured her "Don't worry Grandma, we'll come back to stay with you during the weekends."

Mom was up very early this morning. The first thing she said to me was, "I almost fell and knocked my head against the wall while going to the toilet last night. Even though I was walking slowly with the walking aid and holding the wall for support, I still couldn't find my balance. I'm so weak and useless now."

It makes me guilty that we're moving out at the worst possible time. I'm torn between my parents and my kids. I suggested to the kids, "Maybe I'll stay over at grandma's on some days during the week and leave you guys at the new house."

I could only hear their protests.

19 comments:

Nick Phillips said...

Gee, BT that sure is a tough one. I can understand how that must feel for you. But in the end, it's your life and your kids that you need to think about too.

You deserve your own freedom and happiness too, no disrespect to your parents, ya?

Besides, you're not really leaving the island or anything so that's not too bad, ya? Do what you think is best for you and the kids. I'm sure, as a parent herself, your mom will understand eventually.

Blur Ting said...

You've got a point. My parents are the most generous and understanding people I have ever known. Hence I feel a greater sense of loss if I move out.

Yah, I'll visit frequently during the week. I still have to send mum for her doctor's appts from time to time.

Already, YK is saying, "Gosh, I'm going to miss the place and the normality of it all. I'm so used to coming home, seeing my grandma and cousins and the dogs in the house..."

The World According to Me said...

Hello Blur

I do understand your dilemma, your sense of freedom and your own home with the kids, against feeling guilty about leaving your parents and the life you have got used to.
But I agree with Nick, you deserve your own happiness and freedom, and I'm sure your mum will adjust and appreciate that.

As you say, you can always visit as often as possible, so you'll still be there for your mum.

SOUL: said...

hey blur--

ya know-- your mom and your kids are all all going thru a bit of culture shock and fear, and excitement now, at the prospect of change. change is always difficult.

as for your mom.. perhaps a little game of guilt on her part? hoping to get you to change your mind? making you think she needs you a bit more than she really does??

same as the kids? i'm sure you going back and forth from house to house would work out fine for both households. the kids would eventually get used to the idea-- and learn to love the freedom and independence on their part-- and the same goes for your mom too..

they all will just have to get used to sharing you-- and you will have to get used to NOT worrying about whichever home you are not at when you are at the other. eventually you will find a comfortable balance.

you are that type of person, and i do think it work out just fine for you all in time.

happy tuesday-- happpy hunting.

Blur Ting said...

World - Yah, I can always visit. Maybe the distance will bring us closer whenever I see them.

Blur Ting said...

Hi Soul, you really know your stuff :-) I do agree. Once everyone gets settled and used to the new idea, all will be fine again.

I spoke to mum just now and she agrees that sooner or later the kids willl want to live on their own. She just feels the house will be so empty without us. She loves having us around and always tells her friends that she's so lucky to have us living with her.

Mike M said...

Ahhh, the greatest dilemma of all time.
There is only one answer to this one.
listen and do what your heart tells you. That often is the best thing for everybody.

WaterLearner said...

blur,

that sure is a tough decision for you huh.

looking at where your parents stay, you would spend a lot of time travelling to visit them frequently also.

you looking at a place near the boys' school?

The Real Mother Hen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Real Mother Hen said...

You know, very soon your kids will all grow up and eager to leave your nest too... they will first go to the army, then study, then career, then girl friends, then wifey... but don't you worry, they will come back to drop the baby :)

Depressing right? :()

Oh, makes me don't want to have a kid...

Amel's Realm said...

Ahhhh...such a dilemma...your wish to have your own place is going to happen, yet life has its twists and turns.

But I agree with Nick about that you're not leaving the island. :-))))

Blur Ting said...

Mike - Yah, I agree. My heart tells me to split my time equally between the 2.

It's kind of like the old question of If your mother and wife fell into the sea, who would you save first?

Blur Ting said...

Water - Actually I have already put a downpayment on a place in Tanamera. It is such a coincidence that a few of YK's good friends are moving there too.

Blur Ting said...

Mother Hen - Yah, I can see it coming too. Though I keep saying looking after grandkids is not how I want to spend my golden years but who knows? If the need help, I can't turn them down. Then I will be facing another dilemma - the should Ilook after grandkids or not dilemma.

Blur Ting said...

Amel - When I first moved back to stay with my parents, mum thought we were going to live with them forever. Somehow life doesn't seem to pan out that way.

I can always visit but I guess it is never the same as living together.

Jacqueline said...

It truly is difficult when needing to go out on your own, while a parent is wanting/needing you there as well. I'm facing that with my own dad. I feel a need for a place that's just for me and Mattie, but he wants us to stay with him, and says he needs us there.

It's a hard decision to make, I agree with that. This would be a time when I would take out a pad of paper and a pen, and write out pros and cons for both staying and leaving. That's the only way I can feel I can make the best decision for tough ones like this.

Your young one YK is sweet, letting your mom know that visiting would be part of the plan.

I hope that you find the best solution, I know that either choice would come with sacrifice and discomfort for a bit of time, but will be rewarding in the end.

Blur Ting said...

Jac -In the beginning, it may be a good idea to live with your parents. Perhaps, they can help to keep an eye on your while when you're busyor just simply provide emotional support just by being there.

Moving back to live with my parents after the divorce was the best move I had made. The kids got closer to the grandparents and our presence helped to liven up the house.

At some point, you would like to go independent for yourself and your kid. You would know yourself, when the day comes.

Michelle said...

That's a hard one, Ting. Not easy to make decisions like that, I know.

We are sharing a house with my parents because it works out cheaper. Houses are too expensive to buy here (for us anyway!) and we found it costs less to rent one big house than two small apartments (also only one telephone bill, one electricity bill etc).

Either way you have compromises and sacrifices. In your case it does sound like having your own place would make more sense. I hope whatever happens you all end up happy with the decision, including your mom and Rusty!

Blur Ting said...

Thanks Michelle. I have enjoyed living 'free' in my parents' place for so long. The benefits are clearly enormous. If you can continue to live with yours for a long time more, it's very good for everyone actually.