I had a row with YK in the car this morning which ended with me in tears. We haven't fought like this in a long long while. It started when we were listening to Chinese music. He asked about Taipei. I said, "Taipei is the capital of Taiwan. In fact, I will be going to Taipei next week."
Knowing how badly he's going to react to this, I had been trying to find the right opportunity to bring this up. See, I had promised him that I will avoid traveling this year because of his important year-end examinations.
His first reaction was, "How are we going to school?" I said, "I've asked my friend but she couldn't commit, so I'll call a taxi to come pick you guys. I hope the taxi will turn up but if it doesn't, then you'll have to miss school next Friday."
Now YK really hates to miss school and he shot back "But you said you're not traveling this year!" I became defensive and started raising my voice. Needless to say, I ended up shouting and he, scowling.
See, I wasn't the one who planned this trip. My UK partner, who's coming to Singapore next week, had wanted us to visit a vendor in Taiwan. I arranged a Friday meeting so that I could fly to Taiwan after dropping the kids off in school on Friday morning. Unfortunately, our vendor changed the meeting to Thursday.
In my anger, I told YK that it's just too bad that his mother is involved in international business. Unless he wants me to sell noodles in the hawker centre, otherwise he'll have to get used to the fact that I have to travel. I've already been very accommodating and understanding. Imagine if I were a salaried worker, I can't tell my boss that I'm unable to travel because I need to send my kids to school. I'll be fired.
I said, "FYI, this place I am going to is an industrial city."
He replied, "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because if you think that your mother loves to leave you all behind and go to some fancy city and is enjoying all this, then you're very wrong!"
That's when he got sarcastic, "Why don't you do all your traveling while I'm having my exams in October and November?" which drew another caustic remark from me, "So, why don't you put the blame on me if you don't do well in your exams?"
That's when I started crying which pissed him off and made him think I'm retarded.
Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself. I feel sorry that I have so many things going on at work during this period which is giving me sleepless nights. I feel sorry that I am a single mother who is trying so damn hard to balance my work with family. I feel sorry that we're living in a farm that is so remote, even taxis don't want to go there. I feel sorry that I've provided the kids with too much comfort that they have become too reliant on me. I feel sorry that I have to deal with the kid's anger and demands. I feel sorry that I'll have to attend another agency meeting in Shanghai this June and everyone has already booked their flight except me. I feel sorry that I have more traveling to do in future because of work. I just feel so sorry for myself. My life sucks!
To make matters worse, I am having PMS which means that things that normally roll off my back is now a big issue and I'm an emotional wreck. Now I regretted fighting with my son because I understand our priorities are totally different.
I know the day will only get better. We've been through this before. When I see him after school this afternoon, he's going to tell me "It's OK mom. You go to Taipei. We'll be fine."
Actually I feel better already, after venting about it in my blog.